Blood the unicorn. (ready!)

blood



Gender:Female

Species:Unicorn

Mane:straight, makes her look somewhat sad.

Tail: exsact same as mane.

Eyes: a cute bright blue.

Body: small and normal.

Cutie Mark: a walking teddy bear.

Age: 11

Personality: very shy most of the time, but she is very kind and helpful when it comes to friends.

Likes: toys, magic, anything fluffy, food, fizzy drink.

Dislikes: anything evil, rusted metal, huge cliffs.

History: Blood was born at a bad time. not many ponies lived in her town. and most of them weren't usually in the best mood. but that was because there wasn't much fun. Blood's parents mysteriously vanished when blood was 9. so that caused blood to have to move to ponyville. the only thing she could take with her was her teddy. it was a teddy her mum had made for her 2 days before she vanished. one day while she was playing with the teddy, she got a sudden magic burst causing her to levitate her toys. now as an 11 year old, she had more friends and a happier life. she hated the orphanage, so she had asked to stay with her friend Dark while she was growing up. she always brings her teddy bear with her wherever she goes. the teddy was the first thing that she levitated, and that's how she got her cutie mark. Shes now a very happy unicorn who loves making new friends, apart from her shyness.


Example RP segment: It is pouring rain outside. Your OC spots the light of a tavern up ahead. The tavern is filled with ponies that your OC doesn't know. Given your OC’s personality, compose a brief narrative in which your OC identifies and addresses the situation.


''finally somewhere i can shelter in for the while-'' Blood stopped to see all the ponys. she had no idea who any of them were. but she needed somewhere to hide. she couldnt stay in the cold much longer, or she would catch a cold. Blood ducked down and snuck in and found a warm place to hide. at least she wasnt out in the poring rain. who would want to be out there in the poring rain? maybe pegasi? or ponys with umbrellas? anyway, why didnt she just run home? gah, so much thinking. Blood curled up into a ball and finally fell asleep.

[accepted?]

I'm no mod, but let me start out by saying it's short.Maybe elaborate on the History, and do a bit more in the rp segment. And also, Blood? Are you sure that's a fitting name? It's not for me to judge, but, it seems a bit grimdark.

that makes sence.

Not only would I like much more on the personality, history, and RP segment, there are many discrepancies I would like to discuss.

First and foremost, spelling and grammar. Though this is not a school assignment, some care would be appreciated when making these things, like capitalization with sentences and the proper spelling of ponies (not ponys).

But that can be solved by a simple spellcheck. There are more troubling things you will have to address. Firstly,' Blood was born at a bad time. everypony was fighting, and nopony liked anyone or anything.' I have no idea what you are talking about. Is this Equestria, under the rule of Princess Celestia? Because it doesn't sound like it. Furthermore, older characters in the forum will have lived in this time, and you will be forcing your history onto them. Unless you can explain clearly what you mean by this sentence in a way that can actually fit the MLP-verse, this cannot stand.

Orphans are okay. They happen. But a foal taking care of herself when she's nine? ' luckily she had learned to survive herself by then'? Unrealistic. A pony like that would be struggling to find something to eat, let alone having the toys necessary to unlock her special talent. If she was taken into an orphanage, that would be an immense improvement. Of course, that would mean she would still be in the orphanage when she is eleven.

Also, increase the size of your RP segment. Have interactions! Show off who Blood really is!

okay, i edited it. hows that?

I would like if you expanded the personality, and did a proper spelling and grammar check.

Also not happy with an eleven year old building a house for herself.

I mean, it's building a HOUSE.

And she's ELEVEN.

And if you're going to use the orphanage idea at least say WHY she hates it (or otherwise).

edited, is that good enough?

Good enough.

Approved.

yay! thanks c: