This is definitely not canon.

"Ah, jokes. You still like that one, don't you?"

I stared at him. It was creepy that calling him 'Smarty McFly' didn't get any reaction. He was definitely insane.

Though the fact that I was now tied onto a bench with a number of wires and probes inserted into me was kind of a giveaway. My mouth was dry, and there was nothing to distract me from the tick, tick, ticking in my brain. I really needed a drink, but somehow, I didn't think any would be coming. Not with this nutcase at the wheel.

"Actually, I heard an excellent one from the Element of Laughter over cupcakes. Pinkamena does have many talents. Surprising good with a scapel, I found. It's interesting that you bring jokes up, though, because that's the subject of today's testing."

I brought it up? No, McFly, you shoehorned it into this conversation.

"So I'm going to tell you a joke whilst monitoring your brain patterns and their effect on the space time continuum," he continued, pulling up a strange switchboard, "Is that okay?"

Is it- Intel, you have kidnapped me, restrained me to a bench, attached these things in me, and left me to listen to these tick tick tick in my head, and you are going to tell me a joke? You can't even tell jokes properly, for Celestia's sake! Just let me go!

Or give me some alcohol, I'll settle for that.

But his attention had shifted to his switchboard. "A duck walks into a tavern. It waddles up to the bartender, and asks. 'Do you have any grapes?' The bartender, very confused, simply answers 'no', and the duck leaves. Like it so far? I thought of you when I first listened to this one."

Oh, gee, I wonder why.

He fiddled with the knobs and switches on the board as he continued the joke. "The next day, the duck comes back, waddles up to the bartender, and once again asks, 'Do you have any grapes?' Once again, but less confused, the bartender answers 'no', and the duck leaves."

His eyes then look up into mine, but I break contact to look at the big kill switch on the wall. I assume it's a kill switch because it has the word KILL written in big red letters over it. Subtle. At least I wasn't thinking about the ti...damnit.

“The day after that, the duck comes back a third time. It waddles up to the bartender, and yet again asks him, 'Do you have any grapes?' By now, the bartender's confusion has given way to irritation. He says to the duck, 'Listen, you. We don't have any grapes, we never had any grapes, we never will have any grapes, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your feet to the goddamn floor.' Without another word, the duck leaves.”

Damn straight. I wouldn't take that shit from a duck. I have my axe for a reason. Intel looks at me smugly, as if reading my thoughts.

He flicks a switch.

“The next day, the duck comes back, waddles up to the bartender, and once again asks, 'Do you have any grapes?' Once again, but less confused, the bartender answers 'no', and the duck leaves.”

Hang on a second (damn). Didn't the bartender say-

Tick

“The next day, the duck comes back, waddles up to the bartender, and once again asks, 'Do you have any grapes?' Once again, but less confused, the bartender answers 'no', and the duck leaves.”

Hang on a second (damn). Didn't the bartender say-

Tick

“The next day, the duck comes back, waddles up to the bartender, and once again asks, 'Do you have any grapes?' Once again, but less confused, the bartender answers 'no', and the duck leaves.”

Hang on a second (damn). Didn't the bartender say-

“The day after that, the duck comes back a third time. It waddles up to the bartender, and yet again asks him, 'Do you have any grapes?' By now, the bartender's confusion has given way to irritation. He says to the duck, 'Listen, you. We don't have any grapes, we never had any grapes, we never will have any grapes, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your feet to the goddamn floor.' Without another word, the duck leaves.”

...Intel's screwed up the joke, I think. It should be-

Tick

“The day after that, the duck comes back with a priest, a rabbi, and a carpenter. They waddle up to the bartender, and ass him, 'Do you have any grapes?' By now, the bartender's confusion has given way to irritation. He says to them, 'Listen, you. We don't have any grapes, we never had any grapes, we never will have any grapes, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your feet to the goddamn floor.' Without another word, the duck leaves.”

Something's wrong. He's getting his jokes mixed-

Tick

“The next day, the duck comes back, waddles up to the bartender, and once again asks, 'Do you have any grapes?' Once again, the bartender answers 'no', and the duck leaves.”

His eyes then look up into mine, but I break contact to look at the big kill switch on the wall. I assume it's a kill switch because it has the word KILL written in big red letters over it. Subtle. At least I wasn't thinking about the ti...damnit.

He flicks a switch.

“The day after that, the duck comes back a third time. It waddles up to the bartender, and yet again asks him, 'Do you have any grapes?' By now, the bartender's confusion has given way to irritation. He says to the duck, 'Listen, you. We don't have any grapes, we never had any grapes, we never will have any grapes, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your feet to the goddamn floor.' Without another word, the duck leaves.”

This is a waste of...fuck, I need a drink.

“The fourth day, the duck comes back yet again. It waddles up to the bartender, yet again. It looks at the bartender. The bartender looks at it. They stare at each other for a couple seconds, when all of a sudden the duck asks, 'Do you have any grapes?' Without saying a word, the bartender grabs the duck, a hammer, and nails the little waterfowl's feet to the floor.”

...Wat.

"That's not funny."

He sighs, and moves away from his switchboard, over to where the killswitch is.

"You're right," he says, "It isn't." He pulls the switch.

Suddenly all the wires inserted into me light up and I scream out in...

Tick








"Ah, jokes. You still like that one, don't you?"

Bravo! This is creepy and awesome all at once. I applaud it.

Good news: I haven't touched any of your OCs!
Bad news: Canon characters, on the other hand...
Worse news: Fanmade songs on the other other hand....
---

"Let me tell you what Sunshine and Celery Stalks is about. It's about a mare who likes stallions with big dicks."

"Woah, woah, hold on there, sugarcube. It's about planting seedlings in time for..."

"Don't be a silly filly! That's for the foals and snooty nobles in Canterlot. The entire song is a metaphor. A metaphor for huge dicks. What you're talking about is Winter Wrap Up-"

"What's Winter Wrap Up?"

"You haven't heard Winter Wrap Up? Geez, dragons these days..."

"Oh, come on, just because I haven't heard every ensemble piece..."

"Personally, I can't stand it. They passed their prime after Art of the Dress. Now, there, there was a gem."

"And I then I said 'Cupcakes? Are you-' wait I think I might have got off the track here. What was I talking about again?"

"Step 3; choose the names for your team, all of them will be fighting over the good ones..."

"Ugh. Look at this egghead over here. What's that?"

"Hey! Give that-"

"Now, let's see...'Heists for dummies'? Really, Magic?"

"Give that back, Loyalty!"

"Oh, yeah! Now the mare has a massive dick addiction. And I mean both ways; the addiction's massive and it's about huge members! Dawn to dusk, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick...."

"Um, how many dicks is that?"

"Far too many, Kindness. Laughter, your point?"

"Getting there, Gen! So one day, the filly sees this nice stallion with an absolutely massive- I'm talking dragon in pants- oh, no offense..."

"I'm taking that as a good thing."

"Ah think that Laughter doesn't have a point 'sides the filly liking dicks."

"And that's what the song is about! Tell me that's not what you hear!"

"No."
"Nope."
"Definitely not."
"...no...sorry."
"GIVE IT BACK!"
"I'll give it back when we leave."

"What do you mean, when we leave?"

"You've been reading this thing out loud for ages, droning about all of this...stuff. I've got PPS's celery dicks coming in my left ear, and in my right...Step 17: Torture a guard to the tune of Equestria Gurls, I mean, what?"

"Give. It. Back."

"Are you going to put it away?"

"I'll do what I'd like with-"

"No."

"Magic. Want me to flame this mare?"

"Flame me and I'll whup you so fast you'll hurt 30 mins ago."

"...um...any of you been listening to DJ-PON3's channel this weekend?"

"Yes."
"Yeah."
"Uh-huh."
"Yep, Y'know what I heard on the way here? Proud to be a Brony. Haven't heard that since I was a filly in Manehattan."

"Yay! Um, I heard September last night, and I heard it lots of times before, and I um, it was the first time I realised that it was the singer that killed all those ponies!"

"Well, duh, he fucking sings it in the last bit! Loud and clear!"

"...uh...um..."

"Take no notice of Loyalty, Kindness."

"Just sayin'"

"Alright, I'll take care of the check, you guys can get the tip. Ah...a bit from each of you. And I want my book when I come back."

"It's my book-"

"Spike, flame."

"Argh! Okay, okay."

"Not so confident now, are you, Loyalty?"

"Oh, shut up, fucking- hillbilly- Honesty."

"Alright, ladies, everypony put in a bit for our kind hosts."

...

"...Loyalty?"

"I don't tip."

"But you have to tip, Dashie, otherwise society breaks down!"

"How did you know my- Look, society can suck my celery, okay? I don't tip."

"Look, hun. These waitresses don't make much-"

"Don't give me that. Want if they want 20% extra, they need to be 20% more...awesome."

"...I thought she was nice...kinda."

"Nice and awesome are different things, Kindness."

"And you are neither, Loyalty. What would it take to make the grade? A song and dance number?"

"Ooh, I can-"

"Not now, Laughter."

"If you were awesome, you would know. She wasn't."

"Well, I think that- Laughter, what is that?"

"Snrrk. That's the smallest violin, playing for the waitresses, good one, Laughter."

"Any time, Rainbow!"

"How do you know my- Look, I don't play ball with society and its 'conventions'. I'm my own mare."

"I think I'm convinced. Can I have- No. No. I'll leave it be. Please stop glaring at me Ms Generosity."

"Uh, but I think dragons have a natural..."

"Alright, ramblers, let's get rambling...hey...where's the last bit?"

"Loyalty doesn't tip."

"Why don't you tip? Put a pit in the pile you cheap bitch, I paid for your breakfast. I knew not to name you Generosity."

"Okay, but I'm only doing this because-"

"The bit."

...

"There. Happy?"

"And my book."

"Nu-"

"Spike."

"Okay! Okay! Your book. Sheesh."

That was Wooden Toaster's Pinkie's Lie, followed by The Living Tombstone's Good Ol' Days, as DJ PON-3's new beats in Celestia's heat keeps on...Wubbing.

---

I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.

I think its great i got most the references. Lols to you.